I attended the Maine Conference for the New England Synod of the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) this past Saturday. It is a yearly meeting that helps the congregations stay in touch with each other and handle any Conference business. I enjoy going because I like hearing about the inner workings of the church and, since I’ve been going to these sort of events for a few years, I know some of the people who are there so it is nice to see them again.
Other than the church business yesterday, there was a presentation on domestic violence by two people from agencies here in Maine. There are agencies for domestic violence scattered throughout the state so there is advocacy available no matter where someone lives.
It was a fascinating presentation. They said that 1 in 4 women will experience some kind of abuse in their lifetimes. I knew that it was prevalent but I didn’t realize it was that common.
There were two stories that they told that I found rather appalling. They mentioned that women in rural Maine can get into situations that they can’t get out of no matter how they try. For example, a woman meets a man, they marry and move to his family’s land in northern Maine and set up housekeeping in a mobile home on the property. They have kids but struggle financially. They end up with one vehicle that he drives to work every day. They only have one phone, in the form of a cell phone, and he takes that with him. So she is left in the home with no form of communication and no transportation. This would be ok except that he beats her and threatens her. Now she is in an impossible situation. Far away from her own family and friends, no way to communicate, no transportation and no way to ask anyone to help. The advocates said that this situation happens more often than we would think.
The other situation they mentioned had to do with a woman who was shot and killed by her husband, who then killed himself. They found out afterwards that her co-workers knew that she was being threatened by her husband on a regular basis. He was holding a gun to her head and threatening to kill her. But they didn’t do anything about it. Not that the victim was asking them for help. She was just mentioning it to them. Part of normal conversation….if you can call that a normal subject of conversation. After she was killed, her co-workers felt tremendous guilt that they didn’t help her get away from him. The lingering after effects of domestic violence.
All this made me think about people I know. If one in four women experience domestic violence, then what about the women I know? If I look at all the women in my church on Sunday morning, does that mean that 25% of them have been abused? Are any of them in an abusive situation at this point? Are they mentioning things that we are not noticing are signs of abuse?
After this workshop on Saturday, I feel like I am going to be more vigilant in hearing what people say. I’m not going to just feel like something is none of my business or that the situation probably isn’t that bad. I’m going to help people get the help they need. I will point out that they can talk to our pastor and/or talk to the local woman’s advocacy group. They can even confidentially call the help line to ask advice.
No one should have to be abused in any way, shape or form. That means not only physical but emotional and sexual abuse as well. No one deserves to be yelled at or put down and have their self-esteem shredded to pieces on a regular basis. No one deserves to be forced to have sex even if they are married.
I don’t think that all marriages need to end if there is abuse there. But the abused needs to know that it is not ok for this to happen and the abuser needs to stop. If the abuser won’t stop and won’t change, then the abused needs to get out of the situation.
All in all, it was a very informative Saturday. The church business was interesting and the workshop eye-opening. Eye-opening in a way that gave me a whole new perspective on life and the lives around me. It was well worth my time and the two hour trip there and back. A Saturday well spent.
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tnx!…