Christmas Contemplations

I ate lunch at the beach today. Yes, at the beach….in Maine….in December. More on that in a minute.

Since I have moved to the town that has my favorite Maine beach, and I am still recovering from surgery and not working, I have been eating lunch at the beach as often as possible. It is wonderful to sit in my vehicle, watch the waves and eat my midday meal. Sure beats sitting at a desk in an office and staring at a computer screen.

Today is Christmas Eve. Normally on Christmas Eve I would be at my sister’s house in Michigan partaking in preparations for Christmas. I would help the kids decorate gingerbread cookies, wrap presents and try to assist my sister with meal preparations. At least that is my new normal.

My old normal, before my parents went to heaven, was to try to go to their house for Christmas and celebrate Christmas as we have done my whole life. Church, opening presents on Christmas morning, having a wonderful meal in the afternoon. Snacking on my mom’s great cookies, tuna paté, and her fruitcake (the world’s BEST fruitcake). Playing games, chatting, sharing memories and enjoying each other’s company.

After my dad came to live with me, we would celebrate Christmas much the same way but in a smaller, modified version. Then, when he went to live in heaven, I began celebrating Christmas with just my brother. He would come to my house Christmas Day afternoon and we would unwrap presents and have a wonderful meal…usually something out of the ordinary like an Italian feast from the Soprano’s cookbook, or a genuine Thai feast made from scratch (made my own curry pastes that year).

When my mom passed away in 2006, I began going to my sister’s house in Michigan for Christmas and then celebrating Christmas with my brother on New Year’s Day. I loved Christmas with my sister and her family. Watching little kids open presents is such a delight and I so much enjoyed every moment of it.

Since I lost my job, traveling to my sister’s house has not been possible. Then, this year, having just had major surgery, traveling is doubly not possible. Not only can I not afford it but I physically couldn’t handle the trip.

Which leads me to today and the beach. I am living with a friend and her kids are home for the holidays. They have their own traditions and things to do and, although I am participating in some of it, I have my own things to do at times.

I went to church this morning to help arrange the Christmas flowers and also put the sign out announcing the Christmas Eve services (which required removing letters, finding new letters and putting them in place). After that, I went to the grocery store to pick a few last minute things for the Christmas dinner that I am having with my brother.

After shopping, I decided to stop and get a piece of pizza and drive down to the beach to eat and contemplate Life. I finished eating, got out of my vehicle to throw my trash away and decided to stand at the fence and look at the ocean for a few minutes.

As I stood there, I realized that it was warm for December 24th. Had to be close to 40 if not above 40. A light breeze was blowing but it wasn’t all that cold. It occurred to me that this is certainly a strange Christmas for me.

First of all, I am standing at the beach on Christmas Eve and it is almost spring like. Strange weather.

Secondly, I am standing at the beach instead of in the midst of major Christmas preparations. Strange happenings.

Thirdly, I am very accepting of all of this. Which, in and of itself, felt strange.

I know there are people who do the same things for the holidays each year. Has been the same since they were children and will be until the day they die. Then I suddenly realized that my life hasn’t been like that.

Yes, I had years of the same traditions when I was growing up. But there was one year, when my dad was unemployed, that we had no gifts. We didn’t complain or whine about it. It was what it was. Couldn’t be helped.

Then there was the year I spent in Europe when I traveled with a friend over the holidays and took part in her cousin’s family traditions. I was sad not to be home but it was interesting to learn about another culture’s holiday festivities.

After I left home, Christmas became about traveling home and sometimes that didn’t always happen. But that was OK and it was what it was.

All in all, for me, each Christmas becomes a special holiday in and of itself. I have come to accept this. I celebrate however I can depending on my life’s circumstances. I do dream of someday being married and maybe having a big family celebration with his family, my family, our kids (if God blesses us with kids) and parties with friends.

But I haven’t met the man God wants me to marry (as far as I know) and a big Christmas celebration is just a dream. In the mean time, I appreciate the modified celebration this year. I cherish time with friends, church tonight and all the joy that comes with that and Christmas Day with my brother at his house.

I am just grateful this year that I am alive, I am regaining my health, I don’t have to face any further treatment for cancer and, hopefully, with the new year, I will find my dream job and move to a wonderful home of my own. It is a Merry Christmas…in whatever form it comes in. Maybe not strange. Just how my life is unfolding.

There is peace and joy in everything this year and I am looking forward to the blessings of the New Year!